Coercive control
A favorite tool of the narcissist
We hear the term “narcissist” thrown around a lot. Putting on my therapist hat, I can tell you that Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a thing. It’s a real diagnosis. But earning a diagnosis of NPD is way more than the occasional flash of selfishness. We all stray into self-centeredness from time to time. You can Google the criteria for NPD — and you should, it’s fascinating — based on the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), the Bible of mental health diagnoses. Along with unquestioning esteem, narcissists crave control. A favorite tool is coercive control and the example below is a perfect illustration of how it works:
From the account @narcissist_survivor:
“One day, I came into the kitchen wearing a black blouse. My husband screwed up his face and asked me why I was wearing black (he believed it was the color of evil). He said I looked ugly in that blouse and that he didn’t like it. I told him that was fine, he didn’t have to wear it.
“Then he brought our 5-year-old son into the room. ‘Mommy doesn’t look good in black, does she?’ he asked our child. Looking at his father and knowing very well that it’s best to agree, he nodded. ‘Yes, black is not a nice color, Mommy,’ he told me.
“Fuming that he’d involve our child, I told him he is not to comment on my clothes again, nor involve our child. And that set him off… He lectured me for two hours on how I should work on my reactions to improve myself, how he has a right to give his views, and so on. In total, the discussion about the blouse lasted three hours.
“A month later, I was choosing my outfit, and I went to reach for my black blouse. I hesitated. Was it worth the hassle? Did I really have the energy to go through all that again? I decided I didn’t and I chose something else.
“And this is exactly how coercive control works. You learn to choose the easier option just to keep the peace and avoid the negative consequences. And bit by bit, you fall in line with how they want you to be, until eventually there is no part of you left. Everything about ‘you’ is exactly how they want it.”
This woman’s story hit me hard. I was married to a textbook narcissist, and while I was not qualified to make that diagnosis at the time, I am now. He was. In spades. I used to refer to the experience of coercive control as being in “survival mode.” I learned to take the path of least resistance to keep the peace because doing otherwise just wasn’t worth the hassle.
Unfortunately, unlike a more common diagnosis of, say, depression or anxiety, personality disorders cannot be treated with medication. They can be managed if the person is willing to learn to do so; otherwise, they must be endured. The problem is, narcissists rarely seek counseling because, in their minds, they are perfect. It’s everyone else who’s flawed.
Without a drop of exaggeration, I can tell you that Hubby was the center of his own universe, and he expected to be the center of mine as well. If he wasn’t, there was hell to pay. In the five years we were together, I never once heard him ask anyone, in casual conversation or otherwise, how they were doing, or anything about them. If the discussion did not relate to him directly and personally, he was simply not interested and would not participate.
Hubby was constantly disappointed in me, deeming me “not good enough” and once told me: “I should have married a saint because that’s what I am!” He was convinced that friends and neighbors were envious of our house, his cars, his job, and his looks. He talked a lot about his exemplary performance at work and how much his co-workers and bosses admired him.
If anything did go wrong in any aspect of his life, it was someone else’s fault. Always, without exception. He believed he was exceptional and should be treated as such by everyone. There was no rule that applied to him because he was too special. If I didn’t agree and didn’t toe the line, clearly there was something wrong with me or I was just evil. During arguments, he would tell me, “I know you secretly agree with me, you’re just saying you don’t to hurt me.”
No one is ever good enough for a narcissist. And don’t even try to be an individual with your own thoughts, feelings, needs, or opinions, because you are on this earth to orbit them, to admire them without question.
Though our marriage ended years ago, I still get an anxious knot in my stomach when I’m exposed to narcissism. But I think it’s important to get our survivor stories out there, to support one another, instead of keeping silent. It’s important to establish that survivors are not crazy or evil, as we’ve been told.
